The Lionel Ritchie Method – A Path to Self-Discovery and Personal Power

Discover the same powerful strategies and techniques that Lionel has developed as part of his lifelong quest for personal and artistic greatness. These are the exact same methods that he has taught to the stars of stage and screen, Fortune 500 CEO’s, heads of state and pro athletes. And which through his mentorship, people like Billy Ocean utilized to lure the Caribbean Queen out of his dreams and into his car and Wham used to wake up before they Go-Go’d.

Beginning today, you can take action to transform your life and move it in a positive direction. All that it takes is a two month commitment to Lionel’s program.

Create unstoppable self-confidence.
Loose yourself in wild romance.
Overcome fears of failure and success.
Learn how to utilize and exploit breakdancers to add street credibility.
Experience the unique feeling of self-assuredness that a properly chosen headband can provide.
Discover the science of using benefit songs (such as ‘We are the World’) to further your goals of global domination.
Condition yourself to “raise the roof and have some fun” consistently and effectively.

….and much more

You will be guided onto the path of achieving “Fiesta Forever” consciousness, where all things and events around you become your partners in a constant state of Party. Eventually, you will evolve to a state where you begin to dance on the ceiling, thus bending gravity to your will. Those who dance merely on the floor or on the walls will be entranced by your powers and will have no choice but to do your bidding.

Policemen and other authority figures will be compelled start dancing rather than confront you, each of them becoming new converts to your army of dancers. You will become a mighty force, unstoppable by either God or Man. Blind women will make statues of you. The whole world will be held in thrall, waiting for you to lead it into the new Golden Age of your making.

Total Eclipse of the Wha?

If anybody wonders why the children of the 80's are so f*cked up, they need to look no further than this video. I distinctly remember watching this when it first came out and finding no problem with it. But, if this video was released now (non-ironicly) by Bonnie Tyler's modern equivalent (who'd be Natasha Bedingfield or possibly Fergie), it would be a career-ending disaster.

Some random comments:
1) It seems that J.K. Rowling ripped off the whole "boarding-school containing kids with magical powers" thing for the Harry Potter series. The main difference being that female teachers at Hogwarts weren't trying to have sex with the students.
2) I guess that the director took the "bright eyes" lyric literally. Nice call.
3) Is Bonnie Tyler American or British? If she's American, then she's the most British-looking American I've ever seen......or vice versa.
4) This school seemed to have awesome classes: How to be a Greaser, Floating Birds 101, Telekenesis, Fencing, Satanic Glowing Eyes for Fun and Profit, Ninja Arts. I wonder what the caffeteria was like.
5) Bonnie Tyler looks just like Yoko-esque girlfriend from the Spinal Tap movie.
6) Wasn't Charlton Heston's character from Planet of the Apes called "Bright Eyes"? That gives this song a whole new dimension.

The Sadness of the Spin Doctors

Let me say this:
I am a huge fan of what might be called "hippie" music. I'm also a supporter of what the Bill O'Reilly's of the world might call "hippie values". Heck, I even consider myself to be about 23% hippie.
But, there's something about these prancing clowns that makes me want to punch the stupid grins off their ill-bearded faces. They are the embodiment of the whole look-at-me-I'm-alternative, trust-fund having, smirky fake counter-culture that turned off Middle America in the late 90's and gave rise to such disgusting scumbag monsters of history as George Bush, Dick Cheney and Ann Coulter. So, despite being upbeat, harmless and not-entirely crappy, they helped launch a great evil on this country. This is the Sadness of the Spin Doctors.

I actually saw them live once. I ended up buying one of their concert shirts - as was the custom of the time. When I wore this shirt to the summer camp where I worked, one of the little kids mocked me by calling me "Spinny". This insult has haunted me to this day.

Where I dislike this video, mostly because it's a blatant rip-off of Eddie Murphy's Coming to America, I have a soft spot for Little Miss Can't Be Wrong. Why? Well it's because I have an inexplicable secret crush on the "Little Miss". There's something about her bossy paintbrush-waving nagging dance that drives me wild.

Dio - Holy Diver

I chose this video for my first post primarily because my fantasy football team is named "The Holy Divers" and I subconsciously think that writing about the song will help them win this week. But also because it displays just the right combo of 80's cheeziness, Reagen-Era nihilism and an almost exquisite lack of meaning.
I never played D&D back in the day, but this what I picture things being like...I mean if your special Dungeon Master imagination became real. Also, for some reason, I imagine this being in the same universe as the Safety Dance video, but without the merry dancing village-folk who may or may not be wearing rooster masks.

Some questions to ask yourself while watching:
1) Why does RJD kill that poor mutant guy? He seemed pretty laid back as far as mutants go. Wow, what a jerk.
2) Was the ruined church destroyed specifically for this video? I say yes.
3) Can the black cardboard cut-out devil be any more crappy? It's of 3rd-grade art class quality.
4) What the hell is this song about? Jacques Cousteau? A born-again Aquaman? The canonization of Greg Louganis?
5) And what could a lyric like: "Ride the tiger, You can see his stripes but you know he's clean" possibly mean? Is this prophecizing the rise of Tiger Woods?